In the middle of figuring this out after some major life changes. The process of finding who I am and what my boundaries are is challenging, exciting, motivating and exhausting all at the same time.

I’m finding who I was when I was younger is actually the woman I want to be now.

Not so much who I am now that I wasn’t back then but actually the opposite, how do I get back to who I was then.

At the age of nearly 50 I am just now learning what boundaries are and setting them. I had none. I feel that caused an insane amount of vulnerability and openness that most are not able to handle, and probably shouldn’t have to. Emotional maturity = emotional intelligence if you’re willing. Kinda funny how boundaries can limit you (wrong way to say that, but can’t put it into words) but the lack of can also not only limit and hurt you, but also affect those you.

Not resolving our childhood traumas or talking about them. She didn’t trust anyone enough to share those, including me. I didn’t realize I had them until I went to therapy. Those created a huge space between us when we had conflicts and put up our defense mechanisms.

That moved into resentment from both of us and we drifted apart over time.

13 months ago, my dad had a stroke that forever changed him. This has drastically changed my parents’ lives and my relationship with them. My mother has not handled his decline well, and I am taking her to court to get guardianship of him. This is the hardest thing I have been through. I am doing very uncomfortable things, but I am learning that I can do them. Many things were scarier in my head than in reality. The most important way that I have grown is that I learned I do not need to be afraid of my mother anymore.

Watching my parents get old was a reminder that I was getting older but the real wake up call was watching my children get older. That to me was the most difficult and rewarding!!! (It’s all good!!!)

Quite saddening cause I am not expecting my parents going to get “older” that fast.
But it is what it is, they already went through a lot in their lifetime. I have a not to myself and maybe for everyone in here, don’t be too “busy” for too long. We don’t know what will happen for the people we care in a short time.

In the last 18 months, I’ve dealt with a separation/divorce, a fight with depression/suicidal thoughts, an unexpected pregnancy, and a cancer diagnosis. Through all this I’ve learned a lot. No matter the hardships or trials, the human spirit can triumph over all of it. And in the process, you can learn who really has your back. And why is that important? Life is a gift that should be lived to its fullest potential with people that care about each other. When you know, you know

The face that I think my marriage is over. I finally came to this realization a few days ago. I loved my wife but in the 8 years we have been together. It has been constant butting of heads, arguments, reproaches, resentment on her part, anger and frustration on mine. Lack of emotional and physical intimacy. It feels like she does not love me anymore. Even though she says she does. But I don’t feel it from her. I get more emotional connection from my coworkers. I was having more sex when I was single. It’s the kinkiest feeling in the world when you try to touch or hug your partner and they recoil away from you.

Honestly I’m in a funk this morning. I know how to get rid of it. But sometimes. I just want to feel my feelings. So I have to battle with myself. To get rid of the funk. This is going to sound silly but it works. I stand up straight out my hands on my hips lift my head up high and smile. Think Superman pose. Then I visualize myself at the top of a mountain. Looking and enjoining the most pristine view. Then I think. With all this beauty what’s there to be sad about? I do some kind of variation of This. It’s the body positioning and smiling uses the mind body connection.